I feel very emotionally detached from the guy. I try to bring myself to open up emotionally about my life to him, but it's always like pulling teeth for me. And then when I finally dive into it. He seems to regress to a child-like reaction, where he performs all the actions of someone he imagines to act out when they are showing sympathy. I mostly get a stroking of my head and a pouty-face. Which, really doesn't really give me any other (helpful) perspective, except my hair might look a tad bit more organized after. It almost feels like he's staring back at me emptily searching for a way to evoke some kind of real emotion out of himself. Or maybe he's just that disengaged. Maybe he doesn't actually care and would like to move on from the subject as quickly as possibly and go back to yogurt-eating, face-sucking, hand-holding originally scheduled program. This all feels like anti-climactic emotional masturbation. I keep groping for some kind of feedback/advice/perspective, and all I'm ever left with is embarrassment and this feeling of being unfulfilled.
When we first started, I thought this was a guy I could possibly fall in love with. But now I'm starting to back up a little and realize that he might be emotionally inept. But how can a person well up from a youtube video of a lion's reunion with his owners and not be able to articulate any sort of feeling? It isn't just this whole episode, it's also everyday. He mostly agrees with everything and never once tells me when he dislikes anything or if something annoys him. Everything is 'fine', or a good idea' but it's not like he actually carries any of those ideas out ever. So it's obviously not a good idea.
I'm not sure what to do or how to feel. I know we really like each other, we have a laugh, and we have fun together. But isn't there more to a relationship that just that? Don't we need some kind of foundation and emotional support of some kind? I mean, I feel like I'm emotionally stressed out a lot from taking on so many people's problems. I never confide in anyone (aside from Chris), but I let everyone confide in me. It's tiring. I always knew that if I were to ever fall in love with someone, he'd have to be able to commiserate and help me take on some of this emotional burden. I'd like to confide in him, I'd like to communicate and talk about some of the problems in my life together. Maybe vent sometime. I don't really ever vent. I'd like some emotional release too, like everyone else. Who is there to ever listen to me? And I don't just mean listen, because anyone can do that. I mean really engage. Genuinely care and connect. I try my hardest to do that for everyone, but I can't seem to have a boyfriend to do the same for me.
I don't know, I feel like I'm constantly annoyed at something when I'm in a relationship. I keep second-guessing everything. I'm so neurotic. Am I creating issues where there are none? Am I just really difficult? Either way, I'm starting to have doubts...and it really sucks.

We're going pretty well lately, despite a bit of a spat about him forgetting about my mention of London for the end of the year. We've decided to try to go to London for New Year's now. He took last Thursday off to re-celebrate my 25th bday with me (from a CL ad I put out at that time). He planned 5 dates in one day, and it was super sweet. My favorite part was sitting by the river at night, sipping beer, smoking cigs and looking at each other. I think I could be falling for this guy. Not even because we do things (since none of my previous boyfriends did anything), but because I can see a future with him, because we're both equally dorky, because I think we can be awesome together. I really like him. I find myself thinking about him at all hours of the day. I even have moments where I want to tell him I love him. I'm still deciding whether I can be in love with him
One thing that does bother me (or maybe it's just me being awkward and keeping him at arm's length) is the fact that I cannot pour my soul to him. I cannot tell him everyone on my mind to vent or find solace. I know what his reaction will be : a) a sarcastic comment b) declaration of his desire to stroke my hair c) a pouty face. Granted, this isn't his fault. He didn't grow up with a lot of family problems and naturally he would not know how to deal with them when talking to someone riddled with them. But I'm almost positive that this will be the one thing keeping me from being ever close to him. That, and the fact that he does not have friends here, which will eventually put a strain on our relationship.

I eventually forgave Malcolm for breaking my trust. Kim asked me whether I felt that he was worth the risk....the risk of getting hurt if I trusted him again. Did I like him enough? Ultimately, the answer was yes. Honestly, I don't think I've ever met anyone like Malcolm. I've never liked anyone the way I did him. And I feel like sometimes only I can understand why his dorkiness is so appealing. Kristin and Janie do not get why I find some of the things he says is so funny or endearing. I wonder how his wife understood him. Did she like his dorky jokes and emails? Was she witty too? What about his ex-girlfriends? Either way, I was willing to take the chance to see where this will lead, despite the fact that he broke the trust I had for him and he had to earn it back. It might bite me in the ass in the future....but that was a chance I was willing to take right now. I just wished he didn't fuck it up so bad so early.
I think it's been 3 weeks since the incident. I've mostly let it slip into the recesses of my mind. Alongside with Chris. What ever happened to him? Who knows? He's married. That's all I need to know.
I've recently become annoyed with Malcolm for something else. A while back I told him I really wanted to see London through his eyes. I've been there a couple of times before, but I'd like to see his city, the way he sees mine through my eyes. I casually mentioned when he decided he would go to the UK for the rest of his vacation days, and he said after Christmas. Then I mentioned that we won't be spending New Year's together then I guess, and he just had a sympathetic face, "yea". This got me very annoyed and I tried really hard to hide it so as to not ruin our evening together. After a few days passed, I realized I was very annoyed. I tried to keep a distance, while still maintaining communication. However, this weekend, I became more aloof and he became more attentive and boyfriend-y. I'm not sure if he senses my annoyance, but guys are too dense anyway.
I'm not sure how I will bring up what's bothering me, but I guess I have to in order to be open and communicative. Otherwise, I'll just go out with him all irritated and bothered.

Ugh. Here we go again.

This past weekend, Malcolm and I stumbled into coupledom. I mumbled something about hating having to refer to him as "This guy Malcolm I'm seeing" because it didn't roll off the tongue quick enough.

On Sunday night, after having a dinner he had cooked for us, I sat on his lap and foolishly asked, "I wonder what our first fight would be like?". Little did we know, we were about to find out very soon.

Yesterday night, while he went home drunk and chatted with me on facebook, he confessed in a very matter-of-fact tone, that he had read the messages in my facebook inbox after leaving it logged onto my account that morning. At first, I didn't realize the gravity of it. It might have even amused me for 5 seconds. Then, I realized how pathetic and selfish it was to go through my inbox like that. I felt violated and annoyed at this point. I wasn't sure how to speak to him after that, but he seemed to take responsibility for being an idiot pretty boldly. I told him he let me down and that I could not speak to him at that point in time. He begged me to stay and started with the self-deprecating words. I logged out immediately. It was past 1:30 in the morning, I couldn't even think clearly. Tears started streaming down my face for some reason, and even though I felt silly crying I knew my heart was sinking.

I tried hard to not cry very loudly in bed for the fear of having my parents hear me. Plus, I knew my eyes would be swollen in the morning. Malc tried to call me and I dismissed the call. The whole scenario played out in my head multiple times and the prospect of being around him again seem to fade. I was livid.

I woke up groggy, ill-rested, and thinking about it AGAIN. It would not leave my mind. I went to see if he had texted me and he wrote "I understand if you hate me for the next couple of days...weeks...years...but I wanted you to know that I'm in love with you and I'm crazy beyond..." I feel like he might be throwing that out there as a way to get me to be moved and not break up with him. All last night (before this whole fiasco), he continually told me how I'm the most amazing example of a woman he's ever seen, and how beautiful I was. This isn't atypical from his normal drunken ramblings.

Amber told me he must be psycho for checking my messages, on top of answering my phone call when I left my phone at his place once. Also, for the fact that he says he's in love with me after 1.5 months of dating. I guess it could seem a little psycho, but Malcolm seems genuine about his feelings for me, or maybe I'm just easily fooled. Either way, I really hope he doesn't have a lot of emotional baggage. He did add yesterday that the reason he did it was because he's very distrusting of anyone in his life and expects everyone to betray him some time down the line.

In essence, by not trusting anyone from the get-go, he is fulfilling his own prophecy. How stupid. He's sabotaging this before it even starts! This made me seriously doubt our future together. How can I possibly start a relationship with a man who won't ever trust me, and consequently, I won't ever be able to trust him.

Another thing that bothered me was the fact that he didnt seem to regret what he did until I got mad. He seemed pretty nonchalant about it, but then again, how can you tell on internet chats?

I think I'm going over to talk to him tonight after class. I hate having things hang over me. I just wish I could torture him a little more with the silent treatment. I forgive people way too easily.

You know when you start something new, even when you're not sure of how it would turn out? You try not to psych yourself out and just kind of breathe as if to slow down the systole and diastole of your heart. A part of you wants to not think, and just jump into the freezing cold water knowing that once you get over the initial shock, it will be cool and refreshing. But until then, you just sit there dipping your toes into the water. This is where I am....just dipping my toes in every now and then. With every dip is another glimpse into the future. Some of these glimpses are happy and others sad. I'm still not ready to dive in yet I guess.

Beginnings?

It's been almost a month since I've written. Malcolm and I are still seeing each other. I like him and he's vocalized how he really likes me as well. It's odd, but this doesn't feel the same way it used to feel...this feels mature and stable. Like someone I can melt into easily...effortlessly. He constantly tells me how amazing and beautiful I am...which I take with a grain of salt because I've heard these lines before and have become cautious about new men in my life. But yesterday, he told me how he's insecure because I never seem to reciprocate his sentiments (or at the very least...express them into words). It made me feel bad, and I felt like I should say something. He told me that he's never had this kind of chemistry with anyone before and I told him (after a very long pause) that I've never had this kind of chemistry with anyone before either. For God's sake, I hardly even liked the boyfriends I had before him. I still worry and think about whether this will work out. I keep feeling like something's going to go wrong or the rug's going to be pulled from under me. I guess dating in New York can get you this way. I'm trying to worry and analyze less, and let my guard down more...but it's a work in progress.
Malcolm's extremely sweet and bought me a bunch of books to help me out at school. It's rare that a guy is that nice to me anymore. I'm very grateful.
Speaking of which, school started. I'm still freaking out at the things I have to do in school and the amount of work invovled. I already feel myself lagging behind and I really can't procrastinate in design school. There are too many projects and assignments. I'm very scared that I won't be able to do this right. Even looking at other students' sketches and projects is scaring me. I keep thinking there's no way I can measure up. Hopefully, I'm just being pessimistic and critical of myself.
Chris texted me the other day to ask what's up and why I've disappeared. I mostly don't reply back much. I'm starting to feel like he's very pathetic for proposing to a girl he isn't in love with and then kissed me right after. None of what he's doing makes any sense to me and I'd rather not be involved. I want to remember what I had with him as a good memory, and him as a person who helped shaped me to what I am today. But I don't want to have a future relationship with him anymore. I want to leave this as it is for now.

Finally?

So, it's finally happened. After Josh texted me for the umpteenth time to ask me how i was doing. I finally tell him he sucks for never asking me out. After a string of texts, I end up asking HIM out to an improv show. He gives me the 'let me check my calendar and I'll definitely let you know'. What the fuck? Even when I make myself look like an idiot and ask you out, you still give me the shitty 'check my schedule' answer. Just check your schedule NOW and tell me you asswipe! He finally agrees. So a week later, the day of the show, I ask him if we were still on. ....No response. He completely stands me up and I cannot for the life of me understand why. What is the obsession with men stringing women along only to drop off the face of this earth?! This is insane.

On another note, on a random day, an English guy emailed me on match after I had been inactive with my account for nearly a month. It was a very flattering email and quite witty even, so I messaged back. He didn't look too cute but I wasn't too fussy about it. After a few exchanges we finally met up during a week I had the date with Josh and another date from OKC lined up. That guy blew me off and of course Josh stood me up. Malcolm(the brit) was the only one I went out with that week...and I was actually pretty glad.

He's extremely intelligent, which can sometimes be overwhelming. He's really sweet and at times, boyish. He's really witty in the most subtle of ways and I enjoy his sense of humor (and vice versa I hope). On my first date with him how he felt the date was going and he told me he was content to close his Match account right there. I've heard enough complimentary things from jerkoffs to know not to take this too seriously. I met up with him again on Friday, and then he cooked for me the next Tuesday before I went to live on a farm on PA for a few days. We er, consummated our romantic feelings for a lack of a better term. We hung out again 2 days ago and he told me that he didn't want to freak me out but he basically set his account to invisible mode. I was flattered and somewhat glad, but a part of me felt like maybe we're moving too fast. Even Amber agrees. But it feels comfortable and right, so I don't mind it. Except I feel like he SHOULD go out and date others since he's only recently separated from his wife. Yes, he has a wife AND a 10 yr old son by another woman (his high school girlfriend), which is another reason why I feel like I don't want to rush into things. It kind of freaks me out that the one guy I really like after 2 yrs of dating is a guy with all this baggage.

I don't know, I'm just going to play this out to see what happens. I really hope it works out, but I've seen this stuff go to shit before and this isn't any different I guess.

Jay has finally moved to NY and I hardly even talk to him. I think I talk to him more when he was in LA which is very odd. Either way, after being with Malcolm I seem to have lost interest in most guys even if they're just platonic. It's weird. I also feel weird chatting with kristin or janie about my love life now because they're single and I hate talking about my love life to people who are single. I know when I was single I would get a little jealous of people talking about how excited they are about the guys in their lives when I had none.

I hate my job, and I wish I could just go to school and forget about work completely. I wish money wasn't such a factor in things.

The (lack of)Sanctity of Matrimony?

Weird weekened. I call it the weekend of missed oppurtunities. (On a side note, I'm listening to Lonely Security Guard because it always gets me in a moody mood)

Chris randomly texts me on Saturday to see if I had a few hours to kill. I'm definitely NOT excited. I'm not sure what happened, but ever since meeting him and seeing how he has absolutely no respect for his gf/fiance has made me repulsed. Also, I'm not very attracted to him to begin with. It might also have to do with all the years of pented up fantasies about this guy I've never met. Anyway, I digress. At first, it's semi-awkward. So we slathered on the social lubrication (beer). After 3 pints, we were fully loose. And holding hands whilst walking me to the train station. He stopped me multiple times in a romantic attempt to give me the kiss I've waited my whole life. I've had better. After 7 whole years of wondering what his kiss would feel like on my lips, I was semi-disappointed.

This whole thing happened after he discussed his recent engagement to Joyce and his complacent and almost indifferent attitude towards it all. I asked whether he was in love, he said there were aspects of love to be broken down. And when they are, there are benefits. I'm not entirely sure if any of that made sense or whether he's just using his normal rhetoric. Either way, I hardly cared. I knew he was making a mistake. He knows he's making a mistake. I mean if I ask you why you proposed your answer should NOT be: "well, i had extra money after student loans...".

So another one bites the dust. Chris joins the masses who feel that marriage is a necessary and obligatory contract. Devoid of passion and emotion. I don't know how to exist in this world if this is all there is....

Kristin slightly annoyed me this weekend. At certain times her spoiledness comes through and really bothers me. She will uninhibitedly take bites and or sips of your food/drink, but when I and Janie take bites out of the burrito (I gave her because she was hungry!) she retorts "Umm..I thought we were feeding ME!". Ugh....I know she is sweet and unselfish sometimes, but other times, not so much. I don't really blame her though, she told me she was spoiled out in CA. This is the first time being on her own. It must be hard. I just need to get away from people sometimes. The more I spend time with the same people the more easily I become irritated with certain aspects of them.

On a positive note, Amber told me today that I have inspired her to start her own business (a country inn and restaurant). This really touches me, because I never ever thought that by quitting a stable and practical job for a chance at accessories design would ever inspire anyone. Yet, so far, I've heard for a handful of people that my risky move has really inspired them to take their dreams into their own hands--or at the very least, start thinking about their dreams and what makes them happy. This means a lot to me. I feel like I've accomplished something just by inspiring others.

Back At It

It's been a few months since I wrote. I think I gave up because I felt nothing I said was really of any substance. Then I realized, neither does anyone else.

For a while I was very frustrated with the whole 'trying to find love' thing. I gave up on men in general and was actually considering dating women for a bit. Match.com made me want to vomit. It's seriously the worse UI I've ever used, not to mention pay 80 bucks to use! My friends turned me onto OKCupid instead. It was such a great site, that I was super-excited. But I feel myself growing tired of it very soon.

I met a guy (Josh) at Amber's birthday party. He seemed to really like me, and we hung out until the morning hours after the party. I slept over at his place (if you can call that sleeping...he snored in my ear all night. I thought it was somewhat endearing though). Somehow I coerced him after I came back from Mexico, to go out to have a drink (he wasn't very good at the whole asking a girl out thing). After 3 pints, we were making out (again) and I blurted out "I'm going to be honest with you, I really like you". He repeated the same statement and reciprocated. I immediately felt weird that I said something that I did not fully believe. Either way, I was pretty gitty about having someone like me (silly, I know). After this rendezvous, it became a series of drunk texts over the weekends initiated by myself, and an occasional text from him asking me "how's it hangin'?". That was a week ago. I deleted his number, I give up. He never asked me out on a proper date, and we met a month ago. This is insane, why does this happen to me time after time?! I cannot seem to comprehend it. I remember asking Josh "what's the deal? It didn't seem like you were too into me...." and he said "Are you kidding me? I have not had a conversation as good as the one we just had in a long time. I'm just really shy at these things". This is when I start thinking 'maybe he's different from the rest'. Wrong. Of course I say this, but deep down inside I'm still hoping I'm wrong and he'll ask me out next week. I'm pretty pathetic.

I'm slowly realizing the gravity of my transition from cushy-finance job to starving design student. My parents still have no idea, and I'm quickly discovering that my spending needs to be curbed....desperately. I cannot believe that I can't even fathom lasting ONE year without this paycheck. What happened to my poor student days? Oh yea, I had a boyfriend and zero social life. I've grown to love my life in New York, which has only been enhanced by a group of newfound female friends to do any and all random things with. I'm scared if I stop now, I'll just be a nobody like the other gray drones of New York, and a very distant memory in my friends' minds.

I'm also very afraid that I'm going to realize that design is not for me....and ultimately let everyone down. I'll simultaneously let folks down and prove folks right. I feel as if some people are looking up to me as an example of when taking risks pay out. If I fail, they're only going to cement their fears of taking life by the horns and continue living their lives out in coffee cups and spreadsheets. I want to be everyone's catalyst for finding their passion in life. I know I can't; and that upsets me for some reason. I guess I can't save everyone from themselves.

Online and NYC dating blues...

So after some persuasion from a couple of coworkers, I decided to join Match. Primarily because they let you search profiles for free and this British guy caught my eye. He didn't respond to me for a month and when he finally did he was very impressed with me. We meet, and dated for a total of 2 weeks. On Thursday night I drunk-dialed him and we met up at a bar my friend was having a date at. This is where he gave me the "You're so amazing that I never want to see you again speech". Granted, this is never a speech, it's always been a procedure where the guy just drops off the face of the earth after being seemingly entranced by you.

Seriously, what.the.fuck.

I wasn't in love with the guy. But this is not the first time this type of shit has happened. It's totally confusing! Why do guys do this? They love to flirt with the idea of being completely engrossed by someone or a feeling and then remove themselves from it only to do it again temporarily with someone else? We usually never even have sex either. So what gives? Is this emotional no-strings attached sex? This is the one thing guys cannot do on their own, unlike masturbation. So they latch on to a girl for a couple of weeks and feel whatever feelings as intensely as possible and then combust.

Kristin and I were talking about the awful dating scene in this city and realize that being 25 and much more emotionally mature than our male counterparts, we've already started dating men 10 yrs our senior. Much to our disappointment, even these men are too emotionally immature and confused still. So now that leaves us with the 40 yr olds? 20something women have to resort to 40somethings in this city! How insane is that?

Kristin and I want to start dating like men. Fuck 'em and run. Emotionally fuck 'em and run faster. I'm going to see how this will work out.

Defining Moments

If you could freeze one moment in your life, what moment would that be? I asked myself this question and thought about it for a while. Would it be that time when I was personally congratulated by my Industrial Organization professor for earning the only true A in the class? Would it be the time I got my first promotion? No, it wouldn't be any of those. It would be a moment that truly defined who I am today. The moment that would be the catalyst for the person sitting here thinking about this question right now.

I was 21. And I was heading to JFK airport. Completely tense and on very little sleep the night before just anxious and scared about this very moment. I get to the airport and my parents come to the check-in counter with me. I'm a 5'3" asian girl with a luggage that came to my chest. I've packed my life into this suitcase. My mother says a few very predictable Chinese-mother-type things. I nod my head in my usual slightly annoyed way; except this time I was doing a less convincing job of it because I knew this was going to be the last time I'd speak to my mother face-to-face for a long time. I might actually miss her for once. I might even miss her telling me to be careful for the 10,000th time. My dad grunts some thing of the same nature and I mumble something affirmative in Chinese. I wave to them while walking to the security check point. I turn to face forward and put my bags and shoes through. I get to the other side and turn around one last time to wave goodbye again, and I feel tears welling in my eyes. This is it, everything from this point forward will be unanticipated, and new. It's scary. And I'm all alone for the first time in my life. I realize I drop my passport and for a flashing moment I think to myself, Oh God, I can't do this. I can't even keep track of my passport. I wipe my tears from my eyes and walk toward the escalator. I check to see if my parents are still there, and they're gone.

I get to the waiting area after getting $100 US worth of GBP. I'm finding it very hard to breathe as the time nears take-off. I decide to call my boyfriend. I put the change into the payphone and I'm shaking. I hold onto the receiver as tight as possible, hoping to find comfort in his voice and his words. He sounded very normal and not too concerned. I start bawling. He asks me why I'm crying and I can hardly find the words to tell him why. He tells me I'll be fine and that he'll call me when I'm there. I hang up slowly and reluctantly, as if that was my last chance to undo all of this.

I finally board my plane. The smell of the plane cemented everything in reality. I'm actually on this plane now. To this land I hardly know. I sit by the window and stare into the New York City night--realizing for the first time how beautiful it was. I've always hated how commercial the skyline was, but at this very moment my home seemed to shine with a comforting glow.

A British woman takes the seat next to me and we start to chit chat. I can barely make out what she's saying with her accent. It did not help that my mind was still very far away from that plane. I had to ask her multiple times to repeat herself. I tell her this was my first time flying alone and she realizes I needed my own space. The captain makes his introduction and announcements and we start moving. Slowly the wheels are off the ground and we take off. I look at the window tenaciously while we fly further and further away from the lights. I try to soak in as much of this view as possible knowing that I will not be seeing these comforting lights again for a long time. I wish they weren't disappearing so fast!

Before I knew it, tears are running down my face and I try my hardest to mask my crying from the British lady. She asks if I'm alright and I tell her I'm just nervous. I keep looking out the window asking myself How did I talk myself into this?! I'm going to be living in a strange land with strangers all on my own! This isn't acually happening! I can't do this!!! This was the moment in front of that lake when you're deciding whether to jump in naked or not. You've never skinny-dipped before and you feel awkward and weird about it. This is too crazy for you. But in a flashing moment, you stop thinking. You stop talking yourself out of it. And while holding your breath, you jump into the freezing water. This is that moment.

I was finally flying to another country without help of my boyfriend, friends or family. I was truly alone for the first time in my life. It may sound silly to most people, but for me--someone who has never travelled before (aside from trips with the family at age 5-9), it was the single most scariest moment in my life. There were moments when I came close to regretting the decision. Till this day, I still cannot believe I did it. Everyone thought I was crazy. But, I've never been more proud or more glad that I stopped thinking about it and just jumped. This was truly the defining moment in my young life. The moment that lead to all other moments which have shaped me into the person typing (and crying while doing so) this today.

Living in Lancaster, England was my eye-opening experience. Not because its culture was vastly different from ours. Not because I did things I normally would not have done in my comfort zone. It was here, that I came to realize what kind of person I wanted to be. Being on my own showed me that I can. It showed me that taking risks can be rewarding. That the path carved for me isn't necessarily the path I need to or wanted to take. That sometimes holding your breath and jumping in, wasn't so bad afterall.

In Good Company

What's our obsession with being with someone? Anyone? It seems like everyone is so deathly afraid of going anywhere or doing anything alone that they're willing to jump on anyone. I was recently chatting with my 2 friends who are a couple, and I told them I'd rather be single than to be with someone I don't fully connect and in love with. They told me that some people can live with that, and others cannot. Those people are 'realists' and well, I'm more of an idealist, and some realists may see my search as a big waste of time. Still, I would not be able to live the way they're destined to.

So I started thinking, "what is it exactly that makes human beings desire the companionship of other human/beings so desperately? Why are some people more in need than others? What does that say about our history/lives?"

I don't have answers to these questions, but I find it really interesting to think about because I travel and go to cultural events all on my own, while some of my friends cannot bear to be by themselves for over a few hours. Sometimes, I need the solitude. Other times, I think about how much I would really love the companionship of a partner. I imagine all the romantic things and all the deep connections we would share. But I might be more in love with the thought of this as opposed to ever actually being in love with it.

I think this urge makes people do the craziest things in search of that person. It completely boggles my mind.

Looking for Love?

I've decided that I need to keep these blogs as a way to start my memoirs. I don't know why I never follow through on these blogs. I'm just really lazy I guess. And I can't seem to stray from the Dear Diary formula I was used to as a kid.

I've been dating for the past year and seriously, the prospect of finding 'that guy' seems dismal. I always thought my one true love could be Chris. After 6 years of confiding and chatting and venting to him weekly, we finally met on a random day when he was in New York for some Knicks game. It turns out I have zero attraction towards him. I can't believe that after 6 years of flirting and cockteasing, I come to realize he's not it. Fuck. Now what?

Back to the drawing board. Except I look at the board and want to go back to my couch. I can NEVER find a guy interested in a real relationship. When I do, they're never someone I like. The one or two guys I actually had a genuine attraction towards turned out to be a)a jerk or b) in like with my current best friend. Great.

I went on a double (or triple) blind date yesterday night. Kristin decides to do one too and wanted to tag along even though I really wanted to do this alone. Anyway, her date was a dud. He looked way older and took every sarcastic thing I said way too literally. So she ignored him and mostly chatted with my date. I was very into my date, he was cute and funny and kind of nutty. Much like me, minus the cute part depending on who you are and what angle I'm standing in. Anyway, I digress. I thought he might possibly like me too since his profile asked for intelligent/witty conversation. Which we had, sprinkled with my awkward smiling/laughing. Kristin had very normal chat with him and told me he was perfect for me since we had the same exact sense of humour. By the middle of the date, I could see he was much more into her and glanced at her way whenever we spoke and never cared to listen to the end of my sentence. Lovely. I couldn't tell whether this guy actually liked her or her cleavage. Either way, I didn't care to analyze. By the end of the night, he was caressing her knee and I wanted to get the fuck out of that awkward situation. I was wishing my hardest to undo what just happened and not admit that I liked him to her. Why did she have to make that comment??! Ugh, what a fool I was. I was mortified.

I walked home in the minus 10 degree weather dejected, crestfallen and on the verge of tears. This year of dating has finally taken a toll on me. I can't do this anymore! It leads to nowhere. I rarely make a good impression with guys I like even though I know they would probably love me after knowing me longer...like most people have. Good thing dates nowadays last 2 months. Guys just get very put off by my sarcastic/cynical front. Which I don't mean to put up on purpose, it's just a part of me. No one seems to care to get past that very often. I end up on the sidelines again.

That guy has to be out there. I mean, there has to be SOME guy as sarcastic and cynical as I am, but not so deep down inside he's as romantic and soft as I am. We're just dying to let that side of us get out. We're tired of being tempted to pretend to be someone we're not just to find someone. He knows that there is always more than meets the eye and that if you stick around long enough, you'd be privileged to something much much more worth your while.

Right.

I'm giving up this search. I'm resigning to the fact that this is probably not possible. I might die a lonely soul never experiencing love. Just like Parker Posey in Broken English....except she had a happier ending with a sexy French guy. And an amazing wardrobe.