we've recently returned from a trip to london. It was going well (well, aside from the blisterly cold weather and the dreariness), but somehow I became very jealous of his past with other women and his son. For some reason the mere thought of not being the center of his life made me tormented. Or the fact that he had a life before me even. On the last day I was in London and he went to visit his son, I walked around a lot on my own. Just me and my thoughts and I got very depressed. I began to cry in my hotel room and I started to write down my feelings. When he came back I gave him the letter. I feel awful that I cannot get rid of my awful thoughts of jealousy. I started to cry because I hated my insecurities and baggage from my upbringing. He seemed very matter-of-fact about it all, which was somewhat disappointing. I told him that I felt like an ugly person for being jealous of things and people I have no right to be jealous of. He told me I would be an ugly person if I thought I had a right to be jealous of those people, but I obviously don't. We never resolved anything, or knew what to do to make it all better, we just went out to dinner.

I guess I still get jealous at the mention or the thought of his son or of his wife and how he loved her. But recently, it's been less of that. I was trying to think about why that was the case, and it almost felt like my intense feelings have subsided. As if my feelings for him had plateau'ed. I know I still love him, but it's more of a calm, quiet love.

More recently, the talk about moving in had started. I asked him if that was going to be OK with him, whether or not he'd miss his space. And all he said was that he was not worried. This isn't what I wanted to hear. I wanted him to be excited to wake up next to me and live with me. It mostly seemed like a natural progression to him that he was indifferent about. This really annoys me because to me, it's a big deal to share your space permanently with someone, and I'd only do it if it was because I really loved them. To him, it was no big deal...just something we do. This doesn't make me want to live with him.

I had a fight with my mom yesterday, where I reverted back to that 14 yr old girl who cried her eyes out. I talked about moving my stuff to his and he agreed. but during the conversation he mostly focused on the stiffness he had in his legs and hips from exercising. I really wished he would be hurt when he knew I was in pain and really feel true sympathy for me. But he mostly wanted to get off the phone. I decided I didn't have to move in today afterall since my mom started talking to me again and he seemed almost relieved that I didn't have to move in. He told me that it would have probably made more sense to move into the new apartment anyway (months later). I didn't exactly feel ready to move in with him, but at the same time I wanted him to be a little disappointed that we wouldnt live together after a whole 20 hours where we actually thought we would be living together. It didn't seem to affect him in anyway.

The thing that really gets to me is that he seems very detached. When i'm crying my heart out and clearly in pain, he seems to stare blankly back at me. He's told me that his anti-depressants makes him very removed from all emotions. And I believed him. I spoke to him about how I think we should try to work together to exist without anti-depressants everyday. Somehow we could pull through it and depend on pills less. Which he agreed. But he seems to exhibit a whole load of emotions at all these other things, like a video about a lion separated from his owners, or a professor giving a last lecture before his cancer kills him, and even last week at a Matt & Kim show where he started tearing up and telling me he loved me because the gig moved him that much. So why is it that when real issues stare him in the face, he's completely unmoved? Do I not matter? Is the prospect of emotions more emotional for him than the real thing? Perhaps his exhibition of emotions exist only on a higher plane like that of movies and stories. I guess a lot of people have this problem when they cry after a movie but cannot find it in them to shed a tear at a funeral for a family member.

This issue does not seem to ever work itself out. I've suggested breaking up to him before because of my crazy jealousy issues and insecurities and he's told me that he wouldn't let me do that. But a part of me, especially now, is starting to doubt the future of our relationship if it continues this path.

I feel very emotionally detached from the guy. I try to bring myself to open up emotionally about my life to him, but it's always like pulling teeth for me. And then when I finally dive into it. He seems to regress to a child-like reaction, where he performs all the actions of someone he imagines to act out when they are showing sympathy. I mostly get a stroking of my head and a pouty-face. Which, really doesn't really give me any other (helpful) perspective, except my hair might look a tad bit more organized after. It almost feels like he's staring back at me emptily searching for a way to evoke some kind of real emotion out of himself. Or maybe he's just that disengaged. Maybe he doesn't actually care and would like to move on from the subject as quickly as possibly and go back to yogurt-eating, face-sucking, hand-holding originally scheduled program. This all feels like anti-climactic emotional masturbation. I keep groping for some kind of feedback/advice/perspective, and all I'm ever left with is embarrassment and this feeling of being unfulfilled.
When we first started, I thought this was a guy I could possibly fall in love with. But now I'm starting to back up a little and realize that he might be emotionally inept. But how can a person well up from a youtube video of a lion's reunion with his owners and not be able to articulate any sort of feeling? It isn't just this whole episode, it's also everyday. He mostly agrees with everything and never once tells me when he dislikes anything or if something annoys him. Everything is 'fine', or a good idea' but it's not like he actually carries any of those ideas out ever. So it's obviously not a good idea.
I'm not sure what to do or how to feel. I know we really like each other, we have a laugh, and we have fun together. But isn't there more to a relationship that just that? Don't we need some kind of foundation and emotional support of some kind? I mean, I feel like I'm emotionally stressed out a lot from taking on so many people's problems. I never confide in anyone (aside from Chris), but I let everyone confide in me. It's tiring. I always knew that if I were to ever fall in love with someone, he'd have to be able to commiserate and help me take on some of this emotional burden. I'd like to confide in him, I'd like to communicate and talk about some of the problems in my life together. Maybe vent sometime. I don't really ever vent. I'd like some emotional release too, like everyone else. Who is there to ever listen to me? And I don't just mean listen, because anyone can do that. I mean really engage. Genuinely care and connect. I try my hardest to do that for everyone, but I can't seem to have a boyfriend to do the same for me.
I don't know, I feel like I'm constantly annoyed at something when I'm in a relationship. I keep second-guessing everything. I'm so neurotic. Am I creating issues where there are none? Am I just really difficult? Either way, I'm starting to have doubts...and it really sucks.

We're going pretty well lately, despite a bit of a spat about him forgetting about my mention of London for the end of the year. We've decided to try to go to London for New Year's now. He took last Thursday off to re-celebrate my 25th bday with me (from a CL ad I put out at that time). He planned 5 dates in one day, and it was super sweet. My favorite part was sitting by the river at night, sipping beer, smoking cigs and looking at each other. I think I could be falling for this guy. Not even because we do things (since none of my previous boyfriends did anything), but because I can see a future with him, because we're both equally dorky, because I think we can be awesome together. I really like him. I find myself thinking about him at all hours of the day. I even have moments where I want to tell him I love him. I'm still deciding whether I can be in love with him
One thing that does bother me (or maybe it's just me being awkward and keeping him at arm's length) is the fact that I cannot pour my soul to him. I cannot tell him everyone on my mind to vent or find solace. I know what his reaction will be : a) a sarcastic comment b) declaration of his desire to stroke my hair c) a pouty face. Granted, this isn't his fault. He didn't grow up with a lot of family problems and naturally he would not know how to deal with them when talking to someone riddled with them. But I'm almost positive that this will be the one thing keeping me from being ever close to him. That, and the fact that he does not have friends here, which will eventually put a strain on our relationship.

I eventually forgave Malcolm for breaking my trust. Kim asked me whether I felt that he was worth the risk....the risk of getting hurt if I trusted him again. Did I like him enough? Ultimately, the answer was yes. Honestly, I don't think I've ever met anyone like Malcolm. I've never liked anyone the way I did him. And I feel like sometimes only I can understand why his dorkiness is so appealing. Kristin and Janie do not get why I find some of the things he says is so funny or endearing. I wonder how his wife understood him. Did she like his dorky jokes and emails? Was she witty too? What about his ex-girlfriends? Either way, I was willing to take the chance to see where this will lead, despite the fact that he broke the trust I had for him and he had to earn it back. It might bite me in the ass in the future....but that was a chance I was willing to take right now. I just wished he didn't fuck it up so bad so early.
I think it's been 3 weeks since the incident. I've mostly let it slip into the recesses of my mind. Alongside with Chris. What ever happened to him? Who knows? He's married. That's all I need to know.
I've recently become annoyed with Malcolm for something else. A while back I told him I really wanted to see London through his eyes. I've been there a couple of times before, but I'd like to see his city, the way he sees mine through my eyes. I casually mentioned when he decided he would go to the UK for the rest of his vacation days, and he said after Christmas. Then I mentioned that we won't be spending New Year's together then I guess, and he just had a sympathetic face, "yea". This got me very annoyed and I tried really hard to hide it so as to not ruin our evening together. After a few days passed, I realized I was very annoyed. I tried to keep a distance, while still maintaining communication. However, this weekend, I became more aloof and he became more attentive and boyfriend-y. I'm not sure if he senses my annoyance, but guys are too dense anyway.
I'm not sure how I will bring up what's bothering me, but I guess I have to in order to be open and communicative. Otherwise, I'll just go out with him all irritated and bothered.

Ugh. Here we go again.

This past weekend, Malcolm and I stumbled into coupledom. I mumbled something about hating having to refer to him as "This guy Malcolm I'm seeing" because it didn't roll off the tongue quick enough.

On Sunday night, after having a dinner he had cooked for us, I sat on his lap and foolishly asked, "I wonder what our first fight would be like?". Little did we know, we were about to find out very soon.

Yesterday night, while he went home drunk and chatted with me on facebook, he confessed in a very matter-of-fact tone, that he had read the messages in my facebook inbox after leaving it logged onto my account that morning. At first, I didn't realize the gravity of it. It might have even amused me for 5 seconds. Then, I realized how pathetic and selfish it was to go through my inbox like that. I felt violated and annoyed at this point. I wasn't sure how to speak to him after that, but he seemed to take responsibility for being an idiot pretty boldly. I told him he let me down and that I could not speak to him at that point in time. He begged me to stay and started with the self-deprecating words. I logged out immediately. It was past 1:30 in the morning, I couldn't even think clearly. Tears started streaming down my face for some reason, and even though I felt silly crying I knew my heart was sinking.

I tried hard to not cry very loudly in bed for the fear of having my parents hear me. Plus, I knew my eyes would be swollen in the morning. Malc tried to call me and I dismissed the call. The whole scenario played out in my head multiple times and the prospect of being around him again seem to fade. I was livid.

I woke up groggy, ill-rested, and thinking about it AGAIN. It would not leave my mind. I went to see if he had texted me and he wrote "I understand if you hate me for the next couple of days...weeks...years...but I wanted you to know that I'm in love with you and I'm crazy beyond..." I feel like he might be throwing that out there as a way to get me to be moved and not break up with him. All last night (before this whole fiasco), he continually told me how I'm the most amazing example of a woman he's ever seen, and how beautiful I was. This isn't atypical from his normal drunken ramblings.

Amber told me he must be psycho for checking my messages, on top of answering my phone call when I left my phone at his place once. Also, for the fact that he says he's in love with me after 1.5 months of dating. I guess it could seem a little psycho, but Malcolm seems genuine about his feelings for me, or maybe I'm just easily fooled. Either way, I really hope he doesn't have a lot of emotional baggage. He did add yesterday that the reason he did it was because he's very distrusting of anyone in his life and expects everyone to betray him some time down the line.

In essence, by not trusting anyone from the get-go, he is fulfilling his own prophecy. How stupid. He's sabotaging this before it even starts! This made me seriously doubt our future together. How can I possibly start a relationship with a man who won't ever trust me, and consequently, I won't ever be able to trust him.

Another thing that bothered me was the fact that he didnt seem to regret what he did until I got mad. He seemed pretty nonchalant about it, but then again, how can you tell on internet chats?

I think I'm going over to talk to him tonight after class. I hate having things hang over me. I just wish I could torture him a little more with the silent treatment. I forgive people way too easily.

You know when you start something new, even when you're not sure of how it would turn out? You try not to psych yourself out and just kind of breathe as if to slow down the systole and diastole of your heart. A part of you wants to not think, and just jump into the freezing cold water knowing that once you get over the initial shock, it will be cool and refreshing. But until then, you just sit there dipping your toes into the water. This is where I am....just dipping my toes in every now and then. With every dip is another glimpse into the future. Some of these glimpses are happy and others sad. I'm still not ready to dive in yet I guess.

Beginnings?

It's been almost a month since I've written. Malcolm and I are still seeing each other. I like him and he's vocalized how he really likes me as well. It's odd, but this doesn't feel the same way it used to feel...this feels mature and stable. Like someone I can melt into easily...effortlessly. He constantly tells me how amazing and beautiful I am...which I take with a grain of salt because I've heard these lines before and have become cautious about new men in my life. But yesterday, he told me how he's insecure because I never seem to reciprocate his sentiments (or at the very least...express them into words). It made me feel bad, and I felt like I should say something. He told me that he's never had this kind of chemistry with anyone before and I told him (after a very long pause) that I've never had this kind of chemistry with anyone before either. For God's sake, I hardly even liked the boyfriends I had before him. I still worry and think about whether this will work out. I keep feeling like something's going to go wrong or the rug's going to be pulled from under me. I guess dating in New York can get you this way. I'm trying to worry and analyze less, and let my guard down more...but it's a work in progress.
Malcolm's extremely sweet and bought me a bunch of books to help me out at school. It's rare that a guy is that nice to me anymore. I'm very grateful.
Speaking of which, school started. I'm still freaking out at the things I have to do in school and the amount of work invovled. I already feel myself lagging behind and I really can't procrastinate in design school. There are too many projects and assignments. I'm very scared that I won't be able to do this right. Even looking at other students' sketches and projects is scaring me. I keep thinking there's no way I can measure up. Hopefully, I'm just being pessimistic and critical of myself.
Chris texted me the other day to ask what's up and why I've disappeared. I mostly don't reply back much. I'm starting to feel like he's very pathetic for proposing to a girl he isn't in love with and then kissed me right after. None of what he's doing makes any sense to me and I'd rather not be involved. I want to remember what I had with him as a good memory, and him as a person who helped shaped me to what I am today. But I don't want to have a future relationship with him anymore. I want to leave this as it is for now.