we've recently returned from a trip to london. It was going well (well, aside from the blisterly cold weather and the dreariness), but somehow I became very jealous of his past with other women and his son. For some reason the mere thought of not being the center of his life made me tormented. Or the fact that he had a life before me even. On the last day I was in London and he went to visit his son, I walked around a lot on my own. Just me and my thoughts and I got very depressed. I began to cry in my hotel room and I started to write down my feelings. When he came back I gave him the letter. I feel awful that I cannot get rid of my awful thoughts of jealousy. I started to cry because I hated my insecurities and baggage from my upbringing. He seemed very matter-of-fact about it all, which was somewhat disappointing. I told him that I felt like an ugly person for being jealous of things and people I have no right to be jealous of. He told me I would be an ugly person if I thought I had a right to be jealous of those people, but I obviously don't. We never resolved anything, or knew what to do to make it all better, we just went out to dinner.

I guess I still get jealous at the mention or the thought of his son or of his wife and how he loved her. But recently, it's been less of that. I was trying to think about why that was the case, and it almost felt like my intense feelings have subsided. As if my feelings for him had plateau'ed. I know I still love him, but it's more of a calm, quiet love.

More recently, the talk about moving in had started. I asked him if that was going to be OK with him, whether or not he'd miss his space. And all he said was that he was not worried. This isn't what I wanted to hear. I wanted him to be excited to wake up next to me and live with me. It mostly seemed like a natural progression to him that he was indifferent about. This really annoys me because to me, it's a big deal to share your space permanently with someone, and I'd only do it if it was because I really loved them. To him, it was no big deal...just something we do. This doesn't make me want to live with him.

I had a fight with my mom yesterday, where I reverted back to that 14 yr old girl who cried her eyes out. I talked about moving my stuff to his and he agreed. but during the conversation he mostly focused on the stiffness he had in his legs and hips from exercising. I really wished he would be hurt when he knew I was in pain and really feel true sympathy for me. But he mostly wanted to get off the phone. I decided I didn't have to move in today afterall since my mom started talking to me again and he seemed almost relieved that I didn't have to move in. He told me that it would have probably made more sense to move into the new apartment anyway (months later). I didn't exactly feel ready to move in with him, but at the same time I wanted him to be a little disappointed that we wouldnt live together after a whole 20 hours where we actually thought we would be living together. It didn't seem to affect him in anyway.

The thing that really gets to me is that he seems very detached. When i'm crying my heart out and clearly in pain, he seems to stare blankly back at me. He's told me that his anti-depressants makes him very removed from all emotions. And I believed him. I spoke to him about how I think we should try to work together to exist without anti-depressants everyday. Somehow we could pull through it and depend on pills less. Which he agreed. But he seems to exhibit a whole load of emotions at all these other things, like a video about a lion separated from his owners, or a professor giving a last lecture before his cancer kills him, and even last week at a Matt & Kim show where he started tearing up and telling me he loved me because the gig moved him that much. So why is it that when real issues stare him in the face, he's completely unmoved? Do I not matter? Is the prospect of emotions more emotional for him than the real thing? Perhaps his exhibition of emotions exist only on a higher plane like that of movies and stories. I guess a lot of people have this problem when they cry after a movie but cannot find it in them to shed a tear at a funeral for a family member.

This issue does not seem to ever work itself out. I've suggested breaking up to him before because of my crazy jealousy issues and insecurities and he's told me that he wouldn't let me do that. But a part of me, especially now, is starting to doubt the future of our relationship if it continues this path.