So I just finished reading this book called Running With Scissors. It is easily one of the most interesting and funny memoirs out there. The thing I hate most about movies and books is the fact that after you finally get to the end, it leaves an empty feeling. Like you want to know what happens after you close the book. What happened with the friendship between Augusten and Natalie? Where's Bookman now? How did Augusten become a writer finally???
Anyway, the book inspired me to write my own memoir. But I feel like my life wouldn't be nearly as interesting as his. A lot of people (ok, maybe just a handful) have told me I should consider writing a book based on my life. Mostly because they find it interesting that I grew up in HK without parents and then shipped back here to New York and forced to live with these two strangers like it never happened. Or the fact that I live with a gambling addict for a father who deemed spending 10 dollars on a meal for his children a waste, but $3000 at Atlantic City was money well spent. Or the fact that despite my dysfunctional family upbringing, I remain loyal to my mother and feel that it's my responsibility to be able to take care of her and pay her monthly for raising me.
Still, it's no pedophilic story or reading turd as if it's a message from God.
Well, I'll see maybe I should start with this online diary thing.
I got trashed on Thursday night for work cocktails. The guy I've had my eye on who works on my floor once a week turned out to be a brit. And we ended up making out at a gay bar afterwards. Also, at the original bar, a Mexican staffer pushed me into the bathroom and made out with me. He sucked my neck really fucking hard and I am bruising. He tried to take my breasts out of my shirt and suck on them as well, but I escaped. Why do people always try to rape me? Is it because I'm asian and therefore submissive? Fuck that shit.
Anyway, the british guy told me his ex is a stripper. And he was in shock when she stole money from him. He kicked her out recently. I don't know what's more surprising, the fact that she stole $2,000 from a guy she lived with for two years or the fact that he's actually surprised a stripper would steal from him. He also thought it was great that I was intelligent enough to hold a conversation with him...compared to his ex's inability to talk about anything aside from being hot I guess. Once again, not so much a surprise as it is a half-assed compliment. It's not exactly hard to be smarter than a stripper. I wouldn't want to have sex with him though because the whole time i would be thinking "God, he used to do this to his ex and it would have looked totally different...that's probably what's going through his head right now". Yikes.
I just spoke with my ED and he seems to invested in my growth and my happiness with the group that I feel semi-badly for even thinking of leaving next year. I don't want to be in corporate america forever, this was always meant as a transitional thing for me, despite my parents finally being OK with my line of work. I decided to fuck everything and everyone who will only give me conditional attention/love. I need to do what makes me happy and being in corporate america does not make me happy. I love my team, they're great people...so I'm fortunate enough to not get the worst of corporate america. Still, I want to do my own thing, be my own boss and rule the world. I'll settle for being able to live in London and Spain 6 months out of the year. I yearn for this, but I also yearn for things for only a cushy job can give me. Hopefully things will work out for me. Seriously. I hope my karma is good enough for something great to happen for me....finally. I feel like most of my life, I have never caught a break. Or maybe I have and don't even know it. Well, my brother has told me once that he was very proud of me and in awe of what I've accomplished in life. I think that alone has made it all worth it. God, I can still remember how depressed I was after Alex broke up with me. It took major depression for my brother to tell me how he felt about me. I wonder what it would take for me to finally be able to tell him I love him no matter what he becomes or who he is. That him being gay has no bearing on anything. That he can confide in me because I'm his sister and I love him. I wish I could take all the pressures of being Chinese and gay away from him and bear that weight on myself.
Actually, I started this diary thinking I would write about getting trashed on Thursday and remember how when I was 3 in HK i had a beer at the dinner table every night. And then came to nyc and learned from D.A.R.E that smoking and drinking kills brain cells. So i swore off liquor and cigs forever. Until high school when I drank in school and thought that was 'rebellious' and 'cool'. Now I chain smoke while drinking like a mad woman. See, not interesting at all. Crap.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Culminations
Living things are the culmination of the way they produce proteins.
The human experience is the culmination of the decisions we make in life.
Our legacy is the culmination of our wisdom survived in the people we've touched.
The human experience is the culmination of the decisions we make in life.
Our legacy is the culmination of our wisdom survived in the people we've touched.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Pi Round 2
One place of pi in my post yesterday was wrong. Today, I've gotten up to:
3.1415 92653 589 79 323 84 6264 338 327 9502 8841 971 69399 37510
58209 74944 59230 7816 4062 8620 89986 2803 482 534211 70679
8214 8086 51328 230664 7093 84460 95505 8223 1725 35 9408 128
3.1415 92653 589 79 323 84 6264 338 327 9502 8841 971 69399 37510
58209 74944 59230 7816 4062 8620 89986 2803 482 534211 70679
8214 8086 51328 230664 7093 84460 95505 8223 1725 35 9408 128
Monday, June 11, 2007
Pi
I think it was either last Thursday or Friday that I came home and saw these high schoolers taking pictures in their prom gear. I couldn't help but to look and smile. It was such an innocent and carefree time (ok maybe prom isn't exactly 'innocent' fun, but mine was). Boy, will those kids be jaded and tired in 4 years. I miss high school so much.
Ok, so let's recap on my weekend. Friday, Amber's birthday celebration. Had so much trouble at the lounge, this is why I would never do a party at a posh lounge, took forever to get our table and they were trying to make us buy 1200 bucks worth of bottles (!!), additionally, they turned away have her party at the door. Anyway, also J is so fuckin' annoying, she acts like a child and acts like she's ms. popular with whoever the fuck is new. She becomes their instant bff's and is so obvious about it. It feels so trite and childish to me. She's obviously in need of attention and when people like me don't give it to her she acts holier than thou art. Whatever.the.fuck. Go back to your blue-blooded-poser hole.
Ok, now that that's out of my system...what else did I do? Saturday, woke up at lik 2 30, waited for tash while she ran her errands. So, instead of meeting at like 3ish, we met at like 8. blargh. Had a pitcher of sangria, it had wayyyy too much sugar. I'm not sure why she likes that place so much. I guess their calamari's pretty good. Then Amar and his posse disbanded so hookah was out of the picture. It was 12 30 AM and i was in dire need of inspiration. I usually turn to CL at this point, but Corey was on and he kept hinting at meeting up...naturally at his place, ha. This could potentially be a bad idea, but I was too drunk to analyze it. I hopped on the train and three stops later I arrived. I think it took longer to understand his directions via phone once I got off the train. It was funny though. Surprisingly, I had a lot of fun there....sans telly, sans....anything really. It was a completely barren apartment. But he was good company, which was completely unexpected. We watched family guy and drank red wine (I drank most of it), and took shots. I guess when you put shots into the equation, bad things are bound to happen. Ha, and they did. It was still funny to me for some reason. Well, before we got to that point, we also talked about our upbringing, and previous relationships, sang to his guitar playing, sang an embarassing song about me, and had tater tots. Also, came to some revelations about ahem, Mr. B and I didn't feel so bad about doing what I did thereafter. I genuinely laughed a lot that night....do I actually like this guy?!!!! I can see the trouble this is headed. Anyway, it's too soon to decide.
Sunday, fuckin woke up at 12 30, ate with mom, shopped for some shit in chinatown, came home, slept till 9! What a fuckin waste. I never get to do what i set out to do on sundays. FUCK. Oh well. This weekend will hopefully be good. Going to K's friend's band thingamabobby. But I've got tons of shit to do for work this weekend. =*(
Trying to memorize 100 decimal places of pi now. It's a personal mission that's long overdue. What I've got down so far:
3.1415 92653 589 79 323 84 6264 388 327 9502 8841 971 69399 37510 58209 74944 59230
That was completely from memory. I think it's around 65 decimal places. I should get the last 35 in another day. Wasn't actually all that hard. What to memorize next?
Ok, so let's recap on my weekend. Friday, Amber's birthday celebration. Had so much trouble at the lounge, this is why I would never do a party at a posh lounge, took forever to get our table and they were trying to make us buy 1200 bucks worth of bottles (!!), additionally, they turned away have her party at the door. Anyway, also J is so fuckin' annoying, she acts like a child and acts like she's ms. popular with whoever the fuck is new. She becomes their instant bff's and is so obvious about it. It feels so trite and childish to me. She's obviously in need of attention and when people like me don't give it to her she acts holier than thou art. Whatever.the.fuck. Go back to your blue-blooded-poser hole.
Ok, now that that's out of my system...what else did I do? Saturday, woke up at lik 2 30, waited for tash while she ran her errands. So, instead of meeting at like 3ish, we met at like 8. blargh. Had a pitcher of sangria, it had wayyyy too much sugar. I'm not sure why she likes that place so much. I guess their calamari's pretty good. Then Amar and his posse disbanded so hookah was out of the picture. It was 12 30 AM and i was in dire need of inspiration. I usually turn to CL at this point, but Corey was on and he kept hinting at meeting up...naturally at his place, ha. This could potentially be a bad idea, but I was too drunk to analyze it. I hopped on the train and three stops later I arrived. I think it took longer to understand his directions via phone once I got off the train. It was funny though. Surprisingly, I had a lot of fun there....sans telly, sans....anything really. It was a completely barren apartment. But he was good company, which was completely unexpected. We watched family guy and drank red wine (I drank most of it), and took shots. I guess when you put shots into the equation, bad things are bound to happen. Ha, and they did. It was still funny to me for some reason. Well, before we got to that point, we also talked about our upbringing, and previous relationships, sang to his guitar playing, sang an embarassing song about me, and had tater tots. Also, came to some revelations about ahem, Mr. B and I didn't feel so bad about doing what I did thereafter. I genuinely laughed a lot that night....do I actually like this guy?!!!! I can see the trouble this is headed. Anyway, it's too soon to decide.
Sunday, fuckin woke up at 12 30, ate with mom, shopped for some shit in chinatown, came home, slept till 9! What a fuckin waste. I never get to do what i set out to do on sundays. FUCK. Oh well. This weekend will hopefully be good. Going to K's friend's band thingamabobby. But I've got tons of shit to do for work this weekend. =*(
Trying to memorize 100 decimal places of pi now. It's a personal mission that's long overdue. What I've got down so far:
3.1415 92653 589 79 323 84 6264 388 327 9502 8841 971 69399 37510 58209 74944 59230
That was completely from memory. I think it's around 65 decimal places. I should get the last 35 in another day. Wasn't actually all that hard. What to memorize next?
Sunday, June 3, 2007
The same shit again
So, was talking to someone new who wanted to visit nyc and I was willing to show him around. Of course, just when I thought he was a stand-up guy he wants me to send him naked pictures of myself because he's feeling frisky. Lovely. I don't even get annoyed anymore, it's a waste of energy. I just resign to it and laugh at myself for once again stepping into this shit on my own. Men have no tact.
Went to happy hour on Thursday and my friend's gay friend was there. Somehow I got into the topic of my brother. I was given advice on how to reach out to my brother to hopefully let him know I love him and will be there for him regardless of his orientation. Despite our upbringing and our culture of keeping quiet about everything, I want him to know that all I care about is his happiness and health. I know he probably feels lost, conflicted due to our family and culture...I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to have something eat at your insides like that.
On Friday, the girls went out and we were playing pool with weird guys, one of which annoyed the hell out of me. He was pretty drunk, but on top of that his comeback to every snarky comment I made would be "Wow....WOW..." What a fuckin' idiot. I can still see his retarded face as he said it as if I were the most evil person he's ever met. Then we went to a western-themed bar in the upper east and it was pretty dismal. The women were so jappy, and the men were all that frat-boy type. Some chick was nearly in tears because her hair was all messed up. People annoy me. Grow up.
Went to happy hour on Thursday and my friend's gay friend was there. Somehow I got into the topic of my brother. I was given advice on how to reach out to my brother to hopefully let him know I love him and will be there for him regardless of his orientation. Despite our upbringing and our culture of keeping quiet about everything, I want him to know that all I care about is his happiness and health. I know he probably feels lost, conflicted due to our family and culture...I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to have something eat at your insides like that.
On Friday, the girls went out and we were playing pool with weird guys, one of which annoyed the hell out of me. He was pretty drunk, but on top of that his comeback to every snarky comment I made would be "Wow....WOW..." What a fuckin' idiot. I can still see his retarded face as he said it as if I were the most evil person he's ever met. Then we went to a western-themed bar in the upper east and it was pretty dismal. The women were so jappy, and the men were all that frat-boy type. Some chick was nearly in tears because her hair was all messed up. People annoy me. Grow up.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Self-made Spanish lessons
I'm watching this Chinese soap and they keep writing dumb journal entries about their love for one another that I remembered to write mine tonight.
So I've been looking into Spanish lessons, but instead of spending the 200-500 on lessons, I decided to save my money...suck it up and learn it on my own like so many other people do. I have to admit, I have an affinity for languages, but I lack the innate ability to adapt to different languages as well as the discipline..which is highly frustrating. I'm going to do this though. As well as fire poi (!!!), and surfing (double !!!). All this summer. I've also got to submit my registration form for that design drawing class for Fall. I'm just so frugal I don't even want to spend the 380 bucks for this, but I need to. I need this to get in the program. And I so desperately want something to remind me I have passions in life and not a white collared corporate monkey.
I know I shouldn't segue into talk about my love life again; but along the lines of wanting to feel in my life I inevitably go to thoughts of finding someone I truly like. I want to stop looking in bars and on CL, especially since these two mediums never seem to lead to anything. I either get numbers from men at bars and never call them or I never seem to care enough to follow through with meeting someone from the net, seeing that my previous experiences were mediocre at best. Of course, if I don't put myself out there, how will anyone pique my interest?
I went through work in a daze today. I mostly tried to do the same piece of work all day and I felt very unproductive. I came in late for a meeting, I kept missing my train and ultimately I was 10 minutes late for a meeting upper management was a part of. Eek. I know my managers aren't very pleased with me. I wish I cared more.
Every weekday, I look towards the weekend. I wonder what this one will hold for me. Oh I have tickets to the ballet and no one to go with. Splendid. Chris said he might come with his gf, but I'm skeptical of how fun it will be. I'm also starting to feel like we're not that great of a match either. I remember a time when my thoughts were only occupied with him. Have I grown out of him too? Much like I've grown out of everyone else? I certainly hope not. For the longest time I thought he'd be the one to save me from myself. But I've never actually seen what our chemistry would be like aside from this electronic back-and-forth.
Ada has been calling me again. It feels like things haven't changed a bit at all...yet, it has. Sometimes when things are said, you can never take them back. I genuinely wish I could make her see the good in people, the good in the world. She acts as if she's entitled to everything in the world and that everyone owes it to her. At one point, I thought I was the only one she felt differently about; but I realized this was probably not the case. Perhaps I'm am also selfish in that I felt burdened by her issues and the heaviness of the responsibility to help her got to me. I decided to just walk away... I once told Matt that Ada added no value to my life whatsoever. This isn't true, she made me examine myself closer and it was nice to have that one person I could talk to about (almost) anything, and for consistency. Sometimes, we take consistency for granted. Anyway, she's calling me at the frequency she used to, complaining about everything under the sun. I'm trying to keep my distance, I hate the phone anyway. But I really don't want to combust in this friendship again. If only someone could coach me in these things...
The Chinese soap is done, I think it's time for dormir.
So I've been looking into Spanish lessons, but instead of spending the 200-500 on lessons, I decided to save my money...suck it up and learn it on my own like so many other people do. I have to admit, I have an affinity for languages, but I lack the innate ability to adapt to different languages as well as the discipline..which is highly frustrating. I'm going to do this though. As well as fire poi (!!!), and surfing (double !!!). All this summer. I've also got to submit my registration form for that design drawing class for Fall. I'm just so frugal I don't even want to spend the 380 bucks for this, but I need to. I need this to get in the program. And I so desperately want something to remind me I have passions in life and not a white collared corporate monkey.
I know I shouldn't segue into talk about my love life again; but along the lines of wanting to feel in my life I inevitably go to thoughts of finding someone I truly like. I want to stop looking in bars and on CL, especially since these two mediums never seem to lead to anything. I either get numbers from men at bars and never call them or I never seem to care enough to follow through with meeting someone from the net, seeing that my previous experiences were mediocre at best. Of course, if I don't put myself out there, how will anyone pique my interest?
I went through work in a daze today. I mostly tried to do the same piece of work all day and I felt very unproductive. I came in late for a meeting, I kept missing my train and ultimately I was 10 minutes late for a meeting upper management was a part of. Eek. I know my managers aren't very pleased with me. I wish I cared more.
Every weekday, I look towards the weekend. I wonder what this one will hold for me. Oh I have tickets to the ballet and no one to go with. Splendid. Chris said he might come with his gf, but I'm skeptical of how fun it will be. I'm also starting to feel like we're not that great of a match either. I remember a time when my thoughts were only occupied with him. Have I grown out of him too? Much like I've grown out of everyone else? I certainly hope not. For the longest time I thought he'd be the one to save me from myself. But I've never actually seen what our chemistry would be like aside from this electronic back-and-forth.
Ada has been calling me again. It feels like things haven't changed a bit at all...yet, it has. Sometimes when things are said, you can never take them back. I genuinely wish I could make her see the good in people, the good in the world. She acts as if she's entitled to everything in the world and that everyone owes it to her. At one point, I thought I was the only one she felt differently about; but I realized this was probably not the case. Perhaps I'm am also selfish in that I felt burdened by her issues and the heaviness of the responsibility to help her got to me. I decided to just walk away... I once told Matt that Ada added no value to my life whatsoever. This isn't true, she made me examine myself closer and it was nice to have that one person I could talk to about (almost) anything, and for consistency. Sometimes, we take consistency for granted. Anyway, she's calling me at the frequency she used to, complaining about everything under the sun. I'm trying to keep my distance, I hate the phone anyway. But I really don't want to combust in this friendship again. If only someone could coach me in these things...
The Chinese soap is done, I think it's time for dormir.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Mostly Tired
Today, I was mostly tired and I think I've done a total of 45 minutes of work in my 8 hour workday.
I didn't really talk to my coworker today, I think I've had too much of her over the weekend. I seem to only be able to take people in doses. I might not be able to ever have a roomate. Why do I get so irritated so easily?! Especially with girls? This is odd. I should get a therapist just so I can ask them this. Perhaps I'm still jealous of the fact that the guys seemed to fancy her more during our trip.
Spoke to him briefly today, but he left rather abruptly. Oh well, not sure where that is going. Our chats don't feel like they used to when I was 19-21. I bet we won't have any real chemistry anyway.
Wanted to catch up with a handful of people today, but fell asleep watching crappy telly. Didn't even go to the gym!! What's happened to me?!! Man, I really really crave sushi.
I didn't really talk to my coworker today, I think I've had too much of her over the weekend. I seem to only be able to take people in doses. I might not be able to ever have a roomate. Why do I get so irritated so easily?! Especially with girls? This is odd. I should get a therapist just so I can ask them this. Perhaps I'm still jealous of the fact that the guys seemed to fancy her more during our trip.
Spoke to him briefly today, but he left rather abruptly. Oh well, not sure where that is going. Our chats don't feel like they used to when I was 19-21. I bet we won't have any real chemistry anyway.
Wanted to catch up with a handful of people today, but fell asleep watching crappy telly. Didn't even go to the gym!! What's happened to me?!! Man, I really really crave sushi.
Monday, May 28, 2007
The First One
I've always been very intrigued by blogs...well journals and diaries in general. But to broadcast personal thoughts to the world--well, that's just a new level of journaling (that's probably not a word). What value does this add to the community? Who actually reads this stuff? Perhaps it's not anything tangible or concrete...but the mere fact that the possibility is out there in this ocean we call the internet seems pretty exciting.
The last time I tried blogging was when it first started becoming popular. I was in college and thought, 'wow, how neat would it be to broadcast my private thoughts without being liable for what I say and no one I know will know it's even me'. Well, that didn't really last long, I got quite bored of it all pretty quickly. Let's see if this changes 5 years later.
I just returned from a weekend on the Jersey shore. Nothing I had done this weekend was spectacular. It was pretty standard 20somethings' fun--beach, liquor, barbecue. It was nice to get out of the city for the weekend, but no matter where I go I always seem to have a small spot in my heart that misses the city I grew up in. I'm not quite sure what the allure of it all is for me--the fact that there's so much going on all the time? The diversity? Nostalgia? Maybe home is just...home.
Every trip I take, be it a weekend in Jersey or a week in Europe, I feel like I learn something new about myself. This weekend I've learned (or rather, confirmed) a few things about myself. 1) I am a very jealous person 2) I'm easily irritated and...3)It seems that I am apparently too snarky and too cynical on the exterior for anyone to want to get to know the other layers of me (the softer lighter sides)...aside for entertainment/novelty purposes only. This is somewhat disappointing for me. I'm not sure I've ever actually dated anyone I've truly ever liked and clicked with in my life. In retrospect, all my previous boyfriends, crushes, dates were people I was mildly interested in, and for safety reasons I would venture into these things and of course, safely exiting them...more or less unscathed. For the first time in my life, I think I really want to be intimidated by someone's wit and well, awesomeness but at the same time still have them want to get to know what else is behind my sarcastic cynical disposition. I'm almost a walking contradiction--cynical yet I trust any stranger coming up to me; skeptical yet a hopeless romantic deep inside. I'm afraid no one will ever see this about me, I'd be pigeonholed forever as that bitter new yorker. I write about this with a certain sadness, but at the same time I know I will never change this, it's just who I am and I'm not capable of pretending to be someone I am not just so everyone will like me. I hate being fake and I'd only be lying to myself if I decide to act that way. Sometimes I tell myself if people don't care to get to know me better from the first impression of me, then they're probably not worth my time and perhaps they're the ones losing out; but I'm not so sure I completely believe this myself sometimes.
I know I cannot make everyone like me, but for some reason I can't stop trying.
On every trip I take, I tend to look out into the vastness and think of one person. They know who they are deep inside, hopefully.
Anyway, my Memorial Day weekend wasn't too bad. I rather enjoyed it; but like all days, I have a quiet unspoken sadness hanging over me--most likely for the reasons above.
The last time I tried blogging was when it first started becoming popular. I was in college and thought, 'wow, how neat would it be to broadcast my private thoughts without being liable for what I say and no one I know will know it's even me'. Well, that didn't really last long, I got quite bored of it all pretty quickly. Let's see if this changes 5 years later.
I just returned from a weekend on the Jersey shore. Nothing I had done this weekend was spectacular. It was pretty standard 20somethings' fun--beach, liquor, barbecue. It was nice to get out of the city for the weekend, but no matter where I go I always seem to have a small spot in my heart that misses the city I grew up in. I'm not quite sure what the allure of it all is for me--the fact that there's so much going on all the time? The diversity? Nostalgia? Maybe home is just...home.
Every trip I take, be it a weekend in Jersey or a week in Europe, I feel like I learn something new about myself. This weekend I've learned (or rather, confirmed) a few things about myself. 1) I am a very jealous person 2) I'm easily irritated and...3)It seems that I am apparently too snarky and too cynical on the exterior for anyone to want to get to know the other layers of me (the softer lighter sides)...aside for entertainment/novelty purposes only. This is somewhat disappointing for me. I'm not sure I've ever actually dated anyone I've truly ever liked and clicked with in my life. In retrospect, all my previous boyfriends, crushes, dates were people I was mildly interested in, and for safety reasons I would venture into these things and of course, safely exiting them...more or less unscathed. For the first time in my life, I think I really want to be intimidated by someone's wit and well, awesomeness but at the same time still have them want to get to know what else is behind my sarcastic cynical disposition. I'm almost a walking contradiction--cynical yet I trust any stranger coming up to me; skeptical yet a hopeless romantic deep inside. I'm afraid no one will ever see this about me, I'd be pigeonholed forever as that bitter new yorker. I write about this with a certain sadness, but at the same time I know I will never change this, it's just who I am and I'm not capable of pretending to be someone I am not just so everyone will like me. I hate being fake and I'd only be lying to myself if I decide to act that way. Sometimes I tell myself if people don't care to get to know me better from the first impression of me, then they're probably not worth my time and perhaps they're the ones losing out; but I'm not so sure I completely believe this myself sometimes.
I know I cannot make everyone like me, but for some reason I can't stop trying.
On every trip I take, I tend to look out into the vastness and think of one person. They know who they are deep inside, hopefully.
Anyway, my Memorial Day weekend wasn't too bad. I rather enjoyed it; but like all days, I have a quiet unspoken sadness hanging over me--most likely for the reasons above.
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