Self-made Spanish lessons

I'm watching this Chinese soap and they keep writing dumb journal entries about their love for one another that I remembered to write mine tonight.

So I've been looking into Spanish lessons, but instead of spending the 200-500 on lessons, I decided to save my money...suck it up and learn it on my own like so many other people do. I have to admit, I have an affinity for languages, but I lack the innate ability to adapt to different languages as well as the discipline..which is highly frustrating. I'm going to do this though. As well as fire poi (!!!), and surfing (double !!!). All this summer. I've also got to submit my registration form for that design drawing class for Fall. I'm just so frugal I don't even want to spend the 380 bucks for this, but I need to. I need this to get in the program. And I so desperately want something to remind me I have passions in life and not a white collared corporate monkey.

I know I shouldn't segue into talk about my love life again; but along the lines of wanting to feel in my life I inevitably go to thoughts of finding someone I truly like. I want to stop looking in bars and on CL, especially since these two mediums never seem to lead to anything. I either get numbers from men at bars and never call them or I never seem to care enough to follow through with meeting someone from the net, seeing that my previous experiences were mediocre at best. Of course, if I don't put myself out there, how will anyone pique my interest?

I went through work in a daze today. I mostly tried to do the same piece of work all day and I felt very unproductive. I came in late for a meeting, I kept missing my train and ultimately I was 10 minutes late for a meeting upper management was a part of. Eek. I know my managers aren't very pleased with me. I wish I cared more.

Every weekday, I look towards the weekend. I wonder what this one will hold for me. Oh I have tickets to the ballet and no one to go with. Splendid. Chris said he might come with his gf, but I'm skeptical of how fun it will be. I'm also starting to feel like we're not that great of a match either. I remember a time when my thoughts were only occupied with him. Have I grown out of him too? Much like I've grown out of everyone else? I certainly hope not. For the longest time I thought he'd be the one to save me from myself. But I've never actually seen what our chemistry would be like aside from this electronic back-and-forth.

Ada has been calling me again. It feels like things haven't changed a bit at all...yet, it has. Sometimes when things are said, you can never take them back. I genuinely wish I could make her see the good in people, the good in the world. She acts as if she's entitled to everything in the world and that everyone owes it to her. At one point, I thought I was the only one she felt differently about; but I realized this was probably not the case. Perhaps I'm am also selfish in that I felt burdened by her issues and the heaviness of the responsibility to help her got to me. I decided to just walk away... I once told Matt that Ada added no value to my life whatsoever. This isn't true, she made me examine myself closer and it was nice to have that one person I could talk to about (almost) anything, and for consistency. Sometimes, we take consistency for granted. Anyway, she's calling me at the frequency she used to, complaining about everything under the sun. I'm trying to keep my distance, I hate the phone anyway. But I really don't want to combust in this friendship again. If only someone could coach me in these things...

The Chinese soap is done, I think it's time for dormir.