Self-made Spanish lessons

I'm watching this Chinese soap and they keep writing dumb journal entries about their love for one another that I remembered to write mine tonight.

So I've been looking into Spanish lessons, but instead of spending the 200-500 on lessons, I decided to save my money...suck it up and learn it on my own like so many other people do. I have to admit, I have an affinity for languages, but I lack the innate ability to adapt to different languages as well as the discipline..which is highly frustrating. I'm going to do this though. As well as fire poi (!!!), and surfing (double !!!). All this summer. I've also got to submit my registration form for that design drawing class for Fall. I'm just so frugal I don't even want to spend the 380 bucks for this, but I need to. I need this to get in the program. And I so desperately want something to remind me I have passions in life and not a white collared corporate monkey.

I know I shouldn't segue into talk about my love life again; but along the lines of wanting to feel in my life I inevitably go to thoughts of finding someone I truly like. I want to stop looking in bars and on CL, especially since these two mediums never seem to lead to anything. I either get numbers from men at bars and never call them or I never seem to care enough to follow through with meeting someone from the net, seeing that my previous experiences were mediocre at best. Of course, if I don't put myself out there, how will anyone pique my interest?

I went through work in a daze today. I mostly tried to do the same piece of work all day and I felt very unproductive. I came in late for a meeting, I kept missing my train and ultimately I was 10 minutes late for a meeting upper management was a part of. Eek. I know my managers aren't very pleased with me. I wish I cared more.

Every weekday, I look towards the weekend. I wonder what this one will hold for me. Oh I have tickets to the ballet and no one to go with. Splendid. Chris said he might come with his gf, but I'm skeptical of how fun it will be. I'm also starting to feel like we're not that great of a match either. I remember a time when my thoughts were only occupied with him. Have I grown out of him too? Much like I've grown out of everyone else? I certainly hope not. For the longest time I thought he'd be the one to save me from myself. But I've never actually seen what our chemistry would be like aside from this electronic back-and-forth.

Ada has been calling me again. It feels like things haven't changed a bit at all...yet, it has. Sometimes when things are said, you can never take them back. I genuinely wish I could make her see the good in people, the good in the world. She acts as if she's entitled to everything in the world and that everyone owes it to her. At one point, I thought I was the only one she felt differently about; but I realized this was probably not the case. Perhaps I'm am also selfish in that I felt burdened by her issues and the heaviness of the responsibility to help her got to me. I decided to just walk away... I once told Matt that Ada added no value to my life whatsoever. This isn't true, she made me examine myself closer and it was nice to have that one person I could talk to about (almost) anything, and for consistency. Sometimes, we take consistency for granted. Anyway, she's calling me at the frequency she used to, complaining about everything under the sun. I'm trying to keep my distance, I hate the phone anyway. But I really don't want to combust in this friendship again. If only someone could coach me in these things...

The Chinese soap is done, I think it's time for dormir.

Mostly Tired

Today, I was mostly tired and I think I've done a total of 45 minutes of work in my 8 hour workday.

I didn't really talk to my coworker today, I think I've had too much of her over the weekend. I seem to only be able to take people in doses. I might not be able to ever have a roomate. Why do I get so irritated so easily?! Especially with girls? This is odd. I should get a therapist just so I can ask them this. Perhaps I'm still jealous of the fact that the guys seemed to fancy her more during our trip.

Spoke to him briefly today, but he left rather abruptly. Oh well, not sure where that is going. Our chats don't feel like they used to when I was 19-21. I bet we won't have any real chemistry anyway.

Wanted to catch up with a handful of people today, but fell asleep watching crappy telly. Didn't even go to the gym!! What's happened to me?!! Man, I really really crave sushi.

The First One

I've always been very intrigued by blogs...well journals and diaries in general. But to broadcast personal thoughts to the world--well, that's just a new level of journaling (that's probably not a word). What value does this add to the community? Who actually reads this stuff? Perhaps it's not anything tangible or concrete...but the mere fact that the possibility is out there in this ocean we call the internet seems pretty exciting.

The last time I tried blogging was when it first started becoming popular. I was in college and thought, 'wow, how neat would it be to broadcast my private thoughts without being liable for what I say and no one I know will know it's even me'. Well, that didn't really last long, I got quite bored of it all pretty quickly. Let's see if this changes 5 years later.

I just returned from a weekend on the Jersey shore. Nothing I had done this weekend was spectacular. It was pretty standard 20somethings' fun--beach, liquor, barbecue. It was nice to get out of the city for the weekend, but no matter where I go I always seem to have a small spot in my heart that misses the city I grew up in. I'm not quite sure what the allure of it all is for me--the fact that there's so much going on all the time? The diversity? Nostalgia? Maybe home is just...home.

Every trip I take, be it a weekend in Jersey or a week in Europe, I feel like I learn something new about myself. This weekend I've learned (or rather, confirmed) a few things about myself. 1) I am a very jealous person 2) I'm easily irritated and...3)It seems that I am apparently too snarky and too cynical on the exterior for anyone to want to get to know the other layers of me (the softer lighter sides)...aside for entertainment/novelty purposes only. This is somewhat disappointing for me. I'm not sure I've ever actually dated anyone I've truly ever liked and clicked with in my life. In retrospect, all my previous boyfriends, crushes, dates were people I was mildly interested in, and for safety reasons I would venture into these things and of course, safely exiting them...more or less unscathed. For the first time in my life, I think I really want to be intimidated by someone's wit and well, awesomeness but at the same time still have them want to get to know what else is behind my sarcastic cynical disposition. I'm almost a walking contradiction--cynical yet I trust any stranger coming up to me; skeptical yet a hopeless romantic deep inside. I'm afraid no one will ever see this about me, I'd be pigeonholed forever as that bitter new yorker. I write about this with a certain sadness, but at the same time I know I will never change this, it's just who I am and I'm not capable of pretending to be someone I am not just so everyone will like me. I hate being fake and I'd only be lying to myself if I decide to act that way. Sometimes I tell myself if people don't care to get to know me better from the first impression of me, then they're probably not worth my time and perhaps they're the ones losing out; but I'm not so sure I completely believe this myself sometimes.

I know I cannot make everyone like me, but for some reason I can't stop trying.

On every trip I take, I tend to look out into the vastness and think of one person. They know who they are deep inside, hopefully.

Anyway, my Memorial Day weekend wasn't too bad. I rather enjoyed it; but like all days, I have a quiet unspoken sadness hanging over me--most likely for the reasons above.