What's our obsession with being with someone? Anyone? It seems like everyone is so deathly afraid of going anywhere or doing anything alone that they're willing to jump on anyone. I was recently chatting with my 2 friends who are a couple, and I told them I'd rather be single than to be with someone I don't fully connect and in love with. They told me that some people can live with that, and others cannot. Those people are 'realists' and well, I'm more of an idealist, and some realists may see my search as a big waste of time. Still, I would not be able to live the way they're destined to.
So I started thinking, "what is it exactly that makes human beings desire the companionship of other human/beings so desperately? Why are some people more in need than others? What does that say about our history/lives?"
I don't have answers to these questions, but I find it really interesting to think about because I travel and go to cultural events all on my own, while some of my friends cannot bear to be by themselves for over a few hours. Sometimes, I need the solitude. Other times, I think about how much I would really love the companionship of a partner. I imagine all the romantic things and all the deep connections we would share. But I might be more in love with the thought of this as opposed to ever actually being in love with it.
I think this urge makes people do the craziest things in search of that person. It completely boggles my mind.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Looking for Love?
I've decided that I need to keep these blogs as a way to start my memoirs. I don't know why I never follow through on these blogs. I'm just really lazy I guess. And I can't seem to stray from the Dear Diary formula I was used to as a kid.
I've been dating for the past year and seriously, the prospect of finding 'that guy' seems dismal. I always thought my one true love could be Chris. After 6 years of confiding and chatting and venting to him weekly, we finally met on a random day when he was in New York for some Knicks game. It turns out I have zero attraction towards him. I can't believe that after 6 years of flirting and cockteasing, I come to realize he's not it. Fuck. Now what?
Back to the drawing board. Except I look at the board and want to go back to my couch. I can NEVER find a guy interested in a real relationship. When I do, they're never someone I like. The one or two guys I actually had a genuine attraction towards turned out to be a)a jerk or b) in like with my current best friend. Great.
I went on a double (or triple) blind date yesterday night. Kristin decides to do one too and wanted to tag along even though I really wanted to do this alone. Anyway, her date was a dud. He looked way older and took every sarcastic thing I said way too literally. So she ignored him and mostly chatted with my date. I was very into my date, he was cute and funny and kind of nutty. Much like me, minus the cute part depending on who you are and what angle I'm standing in. Anyway, I digress. I thought he might possibly like me too since his profile asked for intelligent/witty conversation. Which we had, sprinkled with my awkward smiling/laughing. Kristin had very normal chat with him and told me he was perfect for me since we had the same exact sense of humour. By the middle of the date, I could see he was much more into her and glanced at her way whenever we spoke and never cared to listen to the end of my sentence. Lovely. I couldn't tell whether this guy actually liked her or her cleavage. Either way, I didn't care to analyze. By the end of the night, he was caressing her knee and I wanted to get the fuck out of that awkward situation. I was wishing my hardest to undo what just happened and not admit that I liked him to her. Why did she have to make that comment??! Ugh, what a fool I was. I was mortified.
I walked home in the minus 10 degree weather dejected, crestfallen and on the verge of tears. This year of dating has finally taken a toll on me. I can't do this anymore! It leads to nowhere. I rarely make a good impression with guys I like even though I know they would probably love me after knowing me longer...like most people have. Good thing dates nowadays last 2 months. Guys just get very put off by my sarcastic/cynical front. Which I don't mean to put up on purpose, it's just a part of me. No one seems to care to get past that very often. I end up on the sidelines again.
That guy has to be out there. I mean, there has to be SOME guy as sarcastic and cynical as I am, but not so deep down inside he's as romantic and soft as I am. We're just dying to let that side of us get out. We're tired of being tempted to pretend to be someone we're not just to find someone. He knows that there is always more than meets the eye and that if you stick around long enough, you'd be privileged to something much much more worth your while.
Right.
I'm giving up this search. I'm resigning to the fact that this is probably not possible. I might die a lonely soul never experiencing love. Just like Parker Posey in Broken English....except she had a happier ending with a sexy French guy. And an amazing wardrobe.
I've been dating for the past year and seriously, the prospect of finding 'that guy' seems dismal. I always thought my one true love could be Chris. After 6 years of confiding and chatting and venting to him weekly, we finally met on a random day when he was in New York for some Knicks game. It turns out I have zero attraction towards him. I can't believe that after 6 years of flirting and cockteasing, I come to realize he's not it. Fuck. Now what?
Back to the drawing board. Except I look at the board and want to go back to my couch. I can NEVER find a guy interested in a real relationship. When I do, they're never someone I like. The one or two guys I actually had a genuine attraction towards turned out to be a)a jerk or b) in like with my current best friend. Great.
I went on a double (or triple) blind date yesterday night. Kristin decides to do one too and wanted to tag along even though I really wanted to do this alone. Anyway, her date was a dud. He looked way older and took every sarcastic thing I said way too literally. So she ignored him and mostly chatted with my date. I was very into my date, he was cute and funny and kind of nutty. Much like me, minus the cute part depending on who you are and what angle I'm standing in. Anyway, I digress. I thought he might possibly like me too since his profile asked for intelligent/witty conversation. Which we had, sprinkled with my awkward smiling/laughing. Kristin had very normal chat with him and told me he was perfect for me since we had the same exact sense of humour. By the middle of the date, I could see he was much more into her and glanced at her way whenever we spoke and never cared to listen to the end of my sentence. Lovely. I couldn't tell whether this guy actually liked her or her cleavage. Either way, I didn't care to analyze. By the end of the night, he was caressing her knee and I wanted to get the fuck out of that awkward situation. I was wishing my hardest to undo what just happened and not admit that I liked him to her. Why did she have to make that comment??! Ugh, what a fool I was. I was mortified.
I walked home in the minus 10 degree weather dejected, crestfallen and on the verge of tears. This year of dating has finally taken a toll on me. I can't do this anymore! It leads to nowhere. I rarely make a good impression with guys I like even though I know they would probably love me after knowing me longer...like most people have. Good thing dates nowadays last 2 months. Guys just get very put off by my sarcastic/cynical front. Which I don't mean to put up on purpose, it's just a part of me. No one seems to care to get past that very often. I end up on the sidelines again.
That guy has to be out there. I mean, there has to be SOME guy as sarcastic and cynical as I am, but not so deep down inside he's as romantic and soft as I am. We're just dying to let that side of us get out. We're tired of being tempted to pretend to be someone we're not just to find someone. He knows that there is always more than meets the eye and that if you stick around long enough, you'd be privileged to something much much more worth your while.
Right.
I'm giving up this search. I'm resigning to the fact that this is probably not possible. I might die a lonely soul never experiencing love. Just like Parker Posey in Broken English....except she had a happier ending with a sexy French guy. And an amazing wardrobe.
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