Ugh. Here we go again.

This past weekend, Malcolm and I stumbled into coupledom. I mumbled something about hating having to refer to him as "This guy Malcolm I'm seeing" because it didn't roll off the tongue quick enough.

On Sunday night, after having a dinner he had cooked for us, I sat on his lap and foolishly asked, "I wonder what our first fight would be like?". Little did we know, we were about to find out very soon.

Yesterday night, while he went home drunk and chatted with me on facebook, he confessed in a very matter-of-fact tone, that he had read the messages in my facebook inbox after leaving it logged onto my account that morning. At first, I didn't realize the gravity of it. It might have even amused me for 5 seconds. Then, I realized how pathetic and selfish it was to go through my inbox like that. I felt violated and annoyed at this point. I wasn't sure how to speak to him after that, but he seemed to take responsibility for being an idiot pretty boldly. I told him he let me down and that I could not speak to him at that point in time. He begged me to stay and started with the self-deprecating words. I logged out immediately. It was past 1:30 in the morning, I couldn't even think clearly. Tears started streaming down my face for some reason, and even though I felt silly crying I knew my heart was sinking.

I tried hard to not cry very loudly in bed for the fear of having my parents hear me. Plus, I knew my eyes would be swollen in the morning. Malc tried to call me and I dismissed the call. The whole scenario played out in my head multiple times and the prospect of being around him again seem to fade. I was livid.

I woke up groggy, ill-rested, and thinking about it AGAIN. It would not leave my mind. I went to see if he had texted me and he wrote "I understand if you hate me for the next couple of days...weeks...years...but I wanted you to know that I'm in love with you and I'm crazy beyond..." I feel like he might be throwing that out there as a way to get me to be moved and not break up with him. All last night (before this whole fiasco), he continually told me how I'm the most amazing example of a woman he's ever seen, and how beautiful I was. This isn't atypical from his normal drunken ramblings.

Amber told me he must be psycho for checking my messages, on top of answering my phone call when I left my phone at his place once. Also, for the fact that he says he's in love with me after 1.5 months of dating. I guess it could seem a little psycho, but Malcolm seems genuine about his feelings for me, or maybe I'm just easily fooled. Either way, I really hope he doesn't have a lot of emotional baggage. He did add yesterday that the reason he did it was because he's very distrusting of anyone in his life and expects everyone to betray him some time down the line.

In essence, by not trusting anyone from the get-go, he is fulfilling his own prophecy. How stupid. He's sabotaging this before it even starts! This made me seriously doubt our future together. How can I possibly start a relationship with a man who won't ever trust me, and consequently, I won't ever be able to trust him.

Another thing that bothered me was the fact that he didnt seem to regret what he did until I got mad. He seemed pretty nonchalant about it, but then again, how can you tell on internet chats?

I think I'm going over to talk to him tonight after class. I hate having things hang over me. I just wish I could torture him a little more with the silent treatment. I forgive people way too easily.

You know when you start something new, even when you're not sure of how it would turn out? You try not to psych yourself out and just kind of breathe as if to slow down the systole and diastole of your heart. A part of you wants to not think, and just jump into the freezing cold water knowing that once you get over the initial shock, it will be cool and refreshing. But until then, you just sit there dipping your toes into the water. This is where I am....just dipping my toes in every now and then. With every dip is another glimpse into the future. Some of these glimpses are happy and others sad. I'm still not ready to dive in yet I guess.

Beginnings?

It's been almost a month since I've written. Malcolm and I are still seeing each other. I like him and he's vocalized how he really likes me as well. It's odd, but this doesn't feel the same way it used to feel...this feels mature and stable. Like someone I can melt into easily...effortlessly. He constantly tells me how amazing and beautiful I am...which I take with a grain of salt because I've heard these lines before and have become cautious about new men in my life. But yesterday, he told me how he's insecure because I never seem to reciprocate his sentiments (or at the very least...express them into words). It made me feel bad, and I felt like I should say something. He told me that he's never had this kind of chemistry with anyone before and I told him (after a very long pause) that I've never had this kind of chemistry with anyone before either. For God's sake, I hardly even liked the boyfriends I had before him. I still worry and think about whether this will work out. I keep feeling like something's going to go wrong or the rug's going to be pulled from under me. I guess dating in New York can get you this way. I'm trying to worry and analyze less, and let my guard down more...but it's a work in progress.
Malcolm's extremely sweet and bought me a bunch of books to help me out at school. It's rare that a guy is that nice to me anymore. I'm very grateful.
Speaking of which, school started. I'm still freaking out at the things I have to do in school and the amount of work invovled. I already feel myself lagging behind and I really can't procrastinate in design school. There are too many projects and assignments. I'm very scared that I won't be able to do this right. Even looking at other students' sketches and projects is scaring me. I keep thinking there's no way I can measure up. Hopefully, I'm just being pessimistic and critical of myself.
Chris texted me the other day to ask what's up and why I've disappeared. I mostly don't reply back much. I'm starting to feel like he's very pathetic for proposing to a girl he isn't in love with and then kissed me right after. None of what he's doing makes any sense to me and I'd rather not be involved. I want to remember what I had with him as a good memory, and him as a person who helped shaped me to what I am today. But I don't want to have a future relationship with him anymore. I want to leave this as it is for now.