Back At It

It's been a few months since I wrote. I think I gave up because I felt nothing I said was really of any substance. Then I realized, neither does anyone else.

For a while I was very frustrated with the whole 'trying to find love' thing. I gave up on men in general and was actually considering dating women for a bit. Match.com made me want to vomit. It's seriously the worse UI I've ever used, not to mention pay 80 bucks to use! My friends turned me onto OKCupid instead. It was such a great site, that I was super-excited. But I feel myself growing tired of it very soon.

I met a guy (Josh) at Amber's birthday party. He seemed to really like me, and we hung out until the morning hours after the party. I slept over at his place (if you can call that sleeping...he snored in my ear all night. I thought it was somewhat endearing though). Somehow I coerced him after I came back from Mexico, to go out to have a drink (he wasn't very good at the whole asking a girl out thing). After 3 pints, we were making out (again) and I blurted out "I'm going to be honest with you, I really like you". He repeated the same statement and reciprocated. I immediately felt weird that I said something that I did not fully believe. Either way, I was pretty gitty about having someone like me (silly, I know). After this rendezvous, it became a series of drunk texts over the weekends initiated by myself, and an occasional text from him asking me "how's it hangin'?". That was a week ago. I deleted his number, I give up. He never asked me out on a proper date, and we met a month ago. This is insane, why does this happen to me time after time?! I cannot seem to comprehend it. I remember asking Josh "what's the deal? It didn't seem like you were too into me...." and he said "Are you kidding me? I have not had a conversation as good as the one we just had in a long time. I'm just really shy at these things". This is when I start thinking 'maybe he's different from the rest'. Wrong. Of course I say this, but deep down inside I'm still hoping I'm wrong and he'll ask me out next week. I'm pretty pathetic.

I'm slowly realizing the gravity of my transition from cushy-finance job to starving design student. My parents still have no idea, and I'm quickly discovering that my spending needs to be curbed....desperately. I cannot believe that I can't even fathom lasting ONE year without this paycheck. What happened to my poor student days? Oh yea, I had a boyfriend and zero social life. I've grown to love my life in New York, which has only been enhanced by a group of newfound female friends to do any and all random things with. I'm scared if I stop now, I'll just be a nobody like the other gray drones of New York, and a very distant memory in my friends' minds.

I'm also very afraid that I'm going to realize that design is not for me....and ultimately let everyone down. I'll simultaneously let folks down and prove folks right. I feel as if some people are looking up to me as an example of when taking risks pay out. If I fail, they're only going to cement their fears of taking life by the horns and continue living their lives out in coffee cups and spreadsheets. I want to be everyone's catalyst for finding their passion in life. I know I can't; and that upsets me for some reason. I guess I can't save everyone from themselves.