Defining Moments

If you could freeze one moment in your life, what moment would that be? I asked myself this question and thought about it for a while. Would it be that time when I was personally congratulated by my Industrial Organization professor for earning the only true A in the class? Would it be the time I got my first promotion? No, it wouldn't be any of those. It would be a moment that truly defined who I am today. The moment that would be the catalyst for the person sitting here thinking about this question right now.

I was 21. And I was heading to JFK airport. Completely tense and on very little sleep the night before just anxious and scared about this very moment. I get to the airport and my parents come to the check-in counter with me. I'm a 5'3" asian girl with a luggage that came to my chest. I've packed my life into this suitcase. My mother says a few very predictable Chinese-mother-type things. I nod my head in my usual slightly annoyed way; except this time I was doing a less convincing job of it because I knew this was going to be the last time I'd speak to my mother face-to-face for a long time. I might actually miss her for once. I might even miss her telling me to be careful for the 10,000th time. My dad grunts some thing of the same nature and I mumble something affirmative in Chinese. I wave to them while walking to the security check point. I turn to face forward and put my bags and shoes through. I get to the other side and turn around one last time to wave goodbye again, and I feel tears welling in my eyes. This is it, everything from this point forward will be unanticipated, and new. It's scary. And I'm all alone for the first time in my life. I realize I drop my passport and for a flashing moment I think to myself, Oh God, I can't do this. I can't even keep track of my passport. I wipe my tears from my eyes and walk toward the escalator. I check to see if my parents are still there, and they're gone.

I get to the waiting area after getting $100 US worth of GBP. I'm finding it very hard to breathe as the time nears take-off. I decide to call my boyfriend. I put the change into the payphone and I'm shaking. I hold onto the receiver as tight as possible, hoping to find comfort in his voice and his words. He sounded very normal and not too concerned. I start bawling. He asks me why I'm crying and I can hardly find the words to tell him why. He tells me I'll be fine and that he'll call me when I'm there. I hang up slowly and reluctantly, as if that was my last chance to undo all of this.

I finally board my plane. The smell of the plane cemented everything in reality. I'm actually on this plane now. To this land I hardly know. I sit by the window and stare into the New York City night--realizing for the first time how beautiful it was. I've always hated how commercial the skyline was, but at this very moment my home seemed to shine with a comforting glow.

A British woman takes the seat next to me and we start to chit chat. I can barely make out what she's saying with her accent. It did not help that my mind was still very far away from that plane. I had to ask her multiple times to repeat herself. I tell her this was my first time flying alone and she realizes I needed my own space. The captain makes his introduction and announcements and we start moving. Slowly the wheels are off the ground and we take off. I look at the window tenaciously while we fly further and further away from the lights. I try to soak in as much of this view as possible knowing that I will not be seeing these comforting lights again for a long time. I wish they weren't disappearing so fast!

Before I knew it, tears are running down my face and I try my hardest to mask my crying from the British lady. She asks if I'm alright and I tell her I'm just nervous. I keep looking out the window asking myself How did I talk myself into this?! I'm going to be living in a strange land with strangers all on my own! This isn't acually happening! I can't do this!!! This was the moment in front of that lake when you're deciding whether to jump in naked or not. You've never skinny-dipped before and you feel awkward and weird about it. This is too crazy for you. But in a flashing moment, you stop thinking. You stop talking yourself out of it. And while holding your breath, you jump into the freezing water. This is that moment.

I was finally flying to another country without help of my boyfriend, friends or family. I was truly alone for the first time in my life. It may sound silly to most people, but for me--someone who has never travelled before (aside from trips with the family at age 5-9), it was the single most scariest moment in my life. There were moments when I came close to regretting the decision. Till this day, I still cannot believe I did it. Everyone thought I was crazy. But, I've never been more proud or more glad that I stopped thinking about it and just jumped. This was truly the defining moment in my young life. The moment that lead to all other moments which have shaped me into the person typing (and crying while doing so) this today.

Living in Lancaster, England was my eye-opening experience. Not because its culture was vastly different from ours. Not because I did things I normally would not have done in my comfort zone. It was here, that I came to realize what kind of person I wanted to be. Being on my own showed me that I can. It showed me that taking risks can be rewarding. That the path carved for me isn't necessarily the path I need to or wanted to take. That sometimes holding your breath and jumping in, wasn't so bad afterall.